… and Kayleen is taking her out to dinner tonight. Something just doesn’t feel right about this, unlike the other 5 times or so this has happened. The more I think about it the more I find I am anxious to know what the outcome of tonight is going to be. Even though I can’t help but think it would just be the exact same thing over again…

I’m so lost right now; I’m so torn. I miss her so much, but I’d be ignorant if I didn’t consider that a few months down the road the same thing would happen.

I tried to explain it to Kayleen: Given the current situations, there’s too much friction to make it stick and work permanently, but too strong of a bond that we can’t at least be friends. But if we’re friends, the bond becomes stronger and we end up together again.

I think what hurts the most is when we have our breakups she thinks that we are bad people; what people perceive me as has a large bearing on me. Is it worth trying again: of course. But only if she wants to. I don’t ever want her to think we forced her hand.