and I know if we wait, she’ll be back with us again. I don’t want her hurting and I don’t want to hurt myself. I know Kayleen would be very hurt if another breakup happened. She says she doesn’t want to, but I know her, and I can see the longing in her eyes.

Perhaps we’ll run away before Alice comes back. Perhaps not.

-polyblogger

I hate rejection. But, you know, its not really rejection, its more that I think I’m a really high-maintenance person. I need to feel needed, I really do. But, she does need me. Okay, that’s not it.

I think what upsets me is apparently she’s with this guy that she doesn’t like now because he’s not treating her well. But she wants to try and work things out with him before giving up. I find that ironic because I never treated her badly and she never tried to work things out. As soon as people started telling her over and over again we weren’t right for her, she left us. And dated this guy, that was their idea. That was who they wanted her to date.

I think I need maturity. I don’t like this childish games, I grow tired of them. I suppose falling out of love, in some cases, is the right thing to do. We’re moving in about a month. Don’t know where exactly. But that may give us the ability to start anew, wipe the slate clean, and really, this time, really move on.

… and Kayleen is taking her out to dinner tonight. Something just doesn’t feel right about this, unlike the other 5 times or so this has happened. The more I think about it the more I find I am anxious to know what the outcome of tonight is going to be. Even though I can’t help but think it would just be the exact same thing over again…

I’m so lost right now; I’m so torn. I miss her so much, but I’d be ignorant if I didn’t consider that a few months down the road the same thing would happen.

I tried to explain it to Kayleen: Given the current situations, there’s too much friction to make it stick and work permanently, but too strong of a bond that we can’t at least be friends. But if we’re friends, the bond becomes stronger and we end up together again.

I think what hurts the most is when we have our breakups she thinks that we are bad people; what people perceive me as has a large bearing on me. Is it worth trying again: of course. But only if she wants to. I don’t ever want her to think we forced her hand.